Exercising Wisdom in
Marriage
David Sain
The Importance of This
Study
A thoughtful consideration of the matter will make it clear that studies about marriage are extremely important for a number of reasons:
(1) Because God has definite laws and instructions about marriage, which we must obey if we are going to live in his favor, and if we are to experience the joy and happiness that is available within a good, strong family.
(2) Because of the far-reaching effects and consequences that a marriage has on so many people. A marriage affects the lives of every member of the two families that become related-by-marriage, including the husband, the wife, the children, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, et al.
Likewise, the broken home has far-reaching consequences, affecting not only the immediate family, but also the extended family, associates, and friends. And its effects usually have a life-lasting impact.
And the most sobering aspect of the far-reaching effects of the family, whether whole or broken, is the eternal effect. The soul of everyone involved is at stake, and there is no escaping the eternal impact the family members have upon each other.
Therefore, it is expedient, even imperative, that we study this matter to prevent families from breaking down and breaking up.
(3) Because of the current efforts to change marriage and the family. Radical feminists want to dissolve the traditional family as we have known it, and advocates of homosexual relationships make no secret of their agenda to restructure the family unit by seeking legalization of their “unions,” thereby gaining validation of their perverse behavior (Rom. 1:24-27).
The Lord’s people must stand strong against such evil, and we must boldly and faithfully teach the truth about the family.
(4) Because of a myriad of negative cultural influences upon marriage and the family. Television is a powerful influence upon our society and the millions of people who watch the popular network shows see a distorted view of the family. Fathers are typically presented as “dorks” that are inept at nearly everything they attempt, and the typical parent/child relationship is void of the exercise of parental authority or respect for such. In addition to that, many shows present live-in relationships, without the commitment of marriage, all with the underlying message that such is “ok.” Failed marriages and broken families are made entertaining, rather than regrettable and heartbreaking.
(5) The ease with which divorce may be obtained
in most states is another reason for studying God’s plan for marriage. You
have seen the reports in newspapers, and you have heard preachers tell the
saddening news, about the divorce rate in the
While this rate is believed to be higher among non-Christians, it is soberingly true that the divorce rate among Christians is also a shame! And it seems to me that such has become so common among us that it does not bother us or concern us like it once did. We have become desensitized regarding this (and a lot of other things that are contrary to the laws of God).
Of course, even if we did not hear and read the statistics about divorce, we all know that this is a major problem in our society because we all are affected by divorce—either by experiencing it ourselves or through the divorces experienced by our relatives, brethren, friends, neighbors, etc.
Obviously, we need to continue to inculcate the Biblical principle of “one man for one woman for as long as they both shall live.”
(6) Another cultural influence that makes this type of study important is the trend away from the God-ordained roles in a marriage. In the garden of Eden, God told the woman, “thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (Gen. 3:16). And, in Ephesians 5:22-23 (KJV), the apostle Paul commanded, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.”
God has made it plain that the role of the husband is that of leadership. In fact, God’s plan throughout man’s existence has been male spiritual leadership. Contrarily, the trend in our society is away from this divine order for marriage. Many are the women who usurp the authority of their husbands, and, shamefully, many are the husbands who are perfectly willingly for them to do so. However, the desires and behavior of husbands and wives notwithstanding, God’s instructions regarding the roles of husbands and wives have not changed; it is still God’s will for the husband to be the leader of his family. (This will be dealt with more fully in a later point.)
(7) Finally, this is a much-needed study because of the profound significance of marriage —a sacred institution ordained by the Lord — which should be founded upon his laws and instructions.
Why Is It?
Why is it that some marriages seem so happy and “together,” while others seem to be on the verge of falling apart? Why is it that some husbands and wives seem so “close” and others only “exist” under the same roof? Why do some stay together “through thick and thin” while others crumble and collapse under less-trying circumstances?
The answers to these questions will be divided into two categories. First, we shall consider the basics and fundamentals of marriages that last, as opposed to those that do not last. Second we shall consider some of the proverbs that provide wise counsel regarding the marriage relationship.
Basics and Fundamentals
The following are some things that are common to good marriages — things that enable husbands and wives to do more than just survive, but to be happy in a good relationship that will survive the struggles and storms that come to all marriages.
(1) Genuine love. While love may seem obvious as being essential to a lasting marriage, let it be noted that here we are not talking about love as it is perceived by so many.
Contrary to the message of the majority of songs, movies, and television shows, genuine love is much more than passion. Oh, yes, passion is a part of love, but love is more than a feeling. Love—genuine love—involves the way you treat husband or wife. It is a decision to act in a certain way toward that one to whom you have committed yourself.
Dan Gulley observed,
“Sizzle is good in a marriage, especially young, newly married couples (as Solomon noted in Proverbs 5:18-19). But sizzle alone won’t sustain a marriage. The fuel that binds husbands and wives together over the long haul of a lifetime is love, not lust. Not the syrupy, sexy, sensual, superficial “I may hate myself in the morning, but I’m gonna love you tonight,” desperate housewives” kind of love so popular in movies and music. Instead, I’m talking about the powerful, stick-with-it kind of love so described in the Bible.”
The best definition of love that I have ever heard is: genuine love is an unconditional commitment to always act in the best interest of an imperfect person. Although your husband or wife may be acting in a way that makes it difficult to like him or her at the moment, exercising genuine love will prompt you to act in the right way toward your spouse. In exercising wisdom in marriage, true love gives the message, “Regardless how you act, I will treat you right. I may not like your behavior at the moment, but that will not stop me from loving you.”
To apply the words of the apostle Paul when he listed the characteristics of love in I Corinthians 13, the husband and wife who practice genuine love:
(a) Will be patient with each other.
(b) Will be kind to each other.
(c) Will not be jealous, or boastful in their relationship.
(d) Will never be rude to each other.
(e) Will not be selfish in their desires or behavior.
(f) Will not be easily angered by each other.
(g) Will not store in memory a record of wrongs.
(h) Will rejoice in what is right, but never in unrighteousness.
(i) Will, because of love, bear any adversity that comes along.
(j) Will know no limit to their faith, their hope, or their endurance.
Oh, what a great marriage awaits those who decide to practice that kind of love!
(2) Worship. One of the fundamentals of a strong, fulfilling marriage is sincere devotion to God. God needs to be made the heart and core of all that happens in a marriage — for three distinct and significant reasons:
(a) It is the right thing to do. God wants us to worship and serve him
(Jn. 4:23-24).
(b) The salvation of both the husband and wife is at stake. And faithful
worship is a vital part of salvation.
(c) The husband and wife who worship together are much more likely to stay together. Worshipping God faithfully fortifies against those worldly and sinful things that can weaken and even destroy a marriage.
Worship should be done in two settings. It should be done publicly, with the church, and it should be done privately, at home, taking time every day to read and study the Bible, and pray together.
In a God-centered marriage, meeting with the church for worship is a “given.” There should never have to be a “discussion” or “question” about going to church. To phrase it another way, it should be understood by that except for uncontrollable hindrances, when the church is scheduled to meet, they will be there (and only emergencies will excuse tardiness)!
Furthermore, in a God-centered marriage, it should be customary to engage in family worship. Prayer should be a frequent thing. Husbands and wives should pray together. And at mealtime, it should be standard faire to pause and thank God for the food and other blessings of the day.
If children should bless the union of a man and a woman, a vital part of the training those children for life and eternity is the devotional period. In a one-on-one setting, or in a family setting, fathers need to read Dr. Seuss to their children, but much more importantly, they need to read the Bible to them. Mothers need to read from the classic children’s books to their little ones, but they also need to read to them from the Bible storybooks.
Also, home devotional periods are a wonderful opportunity to develop communication and understanding among the family members, with everyone practicing the responsibility to listen, and the freedom to “open up” and talk, with respect for one another.
(3) Fulfillment of roles. In order to have a strong, lasting marriage, both the husband and the wife need to understand and fulfill his or her God-given roles.
God’s Word is clear, emphatic, and unmistakable about each one’s responsibility. Note the words of the apostle Paul,
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Eph. 5:22-25).
Now the scriptures do not teach that the man is any more important than the woman, or that he is a better person than she. In their relationship to God, they are equal (I Pet. 3:7), but God has ordained male leadership in the home (and the church; see I Tim. 2:11-12).
Compare the “role” of the policeman while on duty. He may not be any better person than you, and in other respects he may not be as important as you, but when he is on duty, he has authority over you and you are to be in submission to that authority. So, likewise, the wife may not be inferior to her husband in any respect. In fact, she may be a better person than he, and she may have more intelligence or wisdom than he, but her God-given role is to be in submission to God’s authority, who has decreed that her husband is to be the head in their relationship. The wife refuses to submit to her husband is in rebellion to God.
The husband must also understand and fulfill his role, as prescribed by the Lord. He is not the “exalted” one, sitting on a throne of dictatorship. Instead, as the head of his wife, he is to provide spiritual leadership for his wife (and the family, if they have children).
The abdication of men from their role as leaders has resulted in numerous problems. One such problem that the church has faced in recent years may very well be linked to the absence of male leadership. Consider this: Could it be that the church would not be facing the “issue” of the role of women in the church if men had been leading in the way that they should have been, in the first place?
It is hard to overstate the importance of the role of the husband in the marriage. Few things even come close to affecting the health of the marriage like this. Every marriage needs a male, spiritual leader. Every husband needs to demonstrate what it means to be a real man — a godly man.
His life should model proper behavior as a Christian, as a loving husband, and as a good citizen. The crying need of our society and families today is male, spiritual leadership. Therefore, I feel it expedient and highly appropriate to give this emphasis to the role of men in marriage and the family. Truly, one of the great needs of the world, the church, and the family is men who will be the kind of men that God designed them to be!
(4) Commitment. If there is one thing that is consistently the bedrock of a strong marriage, it is a deep sense of commitment.
During the wedding ceremony, the prospective bride and groom promise to be faithful unto each other and keep their vows until death shall separate them! And that promise must be much more than words, it must be a conviction! When I look at couples that foolishly do not choose to worship and serve God but, nevertheless, have a lasting marriage, I wonder how they do it. Upon what basis do they stay together? Well, among other things, such as practicing genuine love (see above), they are committed to keeping their wedding vows and making their relationship work.
A few years ago, a lady impressed that fact upon me. She said, “I did not grow up a Christian. My parents were good people, and they tried to teach me right, but I did not become a Christian until years after I married. But, thanks to the way my parents brought me up, I knew when I got married and said, ‘I do,’ that that was ‘it.’ It was a promise I intended to keep!”
But, again I ask, why do some marriages fall apart and some marriages break up, while others do not? Is it because some have more problems to deal with, or more obstacles to overcome? No, not necessarily.
Of course, no family is without its problems and trials, but the marriages that last and the families that stay together are those who determine to work through their troubles and disagreements. They are dedicated to having a strong, lasting relationship, not in the absence of troubles and disagreements but in spite of troubles and disagreements! That is truly exercising wisdom in marriage.
I tell prospective brides and grooms that there is one thing of which they may be sure. They will have disagreements, and there will be things that arise that will test their love and devotion to each other. And, if they are going to survive and have a lasting relationship, they will have to work through, not run from, their troubles. They must have a deep commitment to each other for as long as they both shall live.
Good marriages, lasting marriages do not “just happen.” They are the result of two people who commit themselves to work together to “make it happen.” In other words, “calling it quits” is not an option for those who want to “go the distance.” Again, I say, that is exercising wisdom in marriage.
In this day of no-fault, “quickie” divorces, we must remember and stay focused upon what the Bible declares,
“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” and “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery” (Matt. 19:6, 9).
Proverbs That Provide
Wise Counsel
Regarding the Marriage
Relationship
The word “proverb” comes from a Hebrew word meaning “to rule or to govern.” From that definition of the word comes the assessment that the book of Proverbs is a book of sayings designed to rule or govern our conduct. Or, as it has been titled, “Proverbs—Laws of Heaven for Life Upon Earth” (Robert T. Boyd 250). Over the course of the book there is a proverb applicable to nearly ever situation of life, and to every type of person, including husbands and wives.
In the remaining part of this writing, I shall direct your attention to a variety of selected proverbs that are pertinent to marriage, and the guidance given to husbands and wives.
(1) In the early part of Proverbs, we are counseled,
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels: ...The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:5-7).
Similar instruction is stated in chapter four, verse five and seven,
“Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth. ...Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:5-7).
Exercising wisdom in marriage calls for the husband and wife to have a good understanding of marriage, and all that it involves. It calls for them to understand their respective roles (as discussed earlier). With wisdom and understanding, the wife can submit unto her husband “as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). With wisdom and understanding, the husband will dwell with his wife with knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7).
(2) One of the most encompassing proverbs, and one that needs application to marriage is the wise man’s counsel regarding the heart.
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Exercising wisdom in marriage will cause one to have a good attitude in all circumstances and regarding all people, and maintaining a good attitude requires mental discipline – “keeping the heart with all diligence.”
Exercising wisdom in marriage will cause one to resist temptation and abstain from everything that would be harmful and detrimental to one’s marriage, and that requires mental discipline – “keeping the heart with all diligence.”
Solomon specifically addressed the matter of guarding against temptation to commit sexual sin. He warned,
“For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a twoedged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell” (Proverbs 5:3-5).
He instructed husbands to find pleasure in their own wives, and not with other women. Note two sobering sections of Proverbs:
“Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress? For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He ponders all his paths” (Proverbs 5:15-21, NKJV).
“Can a man take fire in his bosom, And his clothes not be burned? Or can a man walk on hot coals, And his feet not be scorched? So is the one who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her will not go unpunished. ... The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it” (Proverbs 6:27-29, 32, NASB).
Also, note the warning of Proverbs 7:6-27.
Exercising wisdom in marriage means that neither the husband nor the wife will choose to destroy his or her marriage for a moment of sensual pleasure. For such is expensive! The price for the “pleasures of sin” can be the destruction of one’s marriage — and the price can be the loss of one’s soul in eternal condemnation in hell!
(3) Exercising wisdom in marriage means that husbands and wives will be kind to each other, and speak kindly to each other. Solomon effectively described the importance and value of appropriate words, and the destructive effect of inappropriate words.
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1-4).
Oh, how many times we see the truth of this proverb illustrated. How husbands and wives respond or react to what the other one does or says has the potential of either helping or hurting, especially in a moment of conflict or misunderstanding.
In keeping with that thought, note this meaning-filled proverb,
“Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).
Regarding the proper use of speech, the wise man also added this well-known proverb,
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
This text reminds us of the power of tongue to build up and encourage. Exercising wisdom in marriage means that husbands and wives will consciously make an effort to compliment each other and reaffirm their value to each other.
Conversely, there are two proverbs that give pause to wives regarding the misuse of the tongue (although I think husbands would do well to make application to themselves).
“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house” (Proverbs 21:9). [The ESV has “quarrelsome” woman.]
“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman” (Proverbs 21:19).
This seems to be an appropriate place to remind husbands of the declaration of Proverbs 18:22.
“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.”
Husbands, ponder this proverb and exercise wisdom in your marriage by giving thanks for your wife!
(4) Because we are human, we do not always act and speak as we ought. And, being human, no husband and wife will live together for very long without saying or doing something that hurts the other one. As soon as the offending spouse becomes aware of the hurt, the offense needs to be corrected – the offending spouse needs to apologize and seek forgiveness. And the offended spouse needs to follow the Lord’s instructions and forgive when forgiveness is sought (Lk. 17:3-4).
Such moments are critical to the marriage relationship. If the right thing is done, the relationship will be strengthened, and the couple will be drawn closer to each other. However, if the right thing is not done, severe damage, even long-lasting damage, can be done to the relationship. At such a time, pride can be a huge barrier to doing the right thing, which usually makes matters worse.
Note these divinely inspired warnings about pride:
“Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10, emphasis mine, ds).
“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).
“A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit” (Proverbs 29:23).
Surely the reader has seen the truth of these proverbs illustrated numerous times. It makes one wonder, how many marital problems could have been avoided if only pride had been controlled. How many broken marriages might not have been broken if, early in conflicts, pride had been set aside and the right thing done!
(5) Finally, there is a proverb that is not usually applied to marriage, but I suggest to you that it has a much-needed message for husbands and wives.
“Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth” (Proverbs 27:1).
We all know that life is uncertain. No one has a guarantee of living another day, and husbands and wives need to be conscious of that fact. They need to value every day and treasure every moment together, for it shall come to an end — maybe sooner than expected.
Conclusion
The book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom, and wise are the husband and wife who will heed its guidance and exercise wisdom in their marriage.
And the wisest thing that a husband and wife can ever do is keep God and his Word at the heart of their relationship. As Robert Taylor observed, the beauty of marriage “cannot be achieved by a twosome arrangement. It can only be accomplished by a threesome arrangement. Let it be emphatically recalled that ‘Marriage is for those who love God and one another’ as the title of Tom Warren’s excellent book states” (54).
References Cited
Boyd, Robert T. World’s Bible Handbook, World Bible Publishers, 1991.
Gulley, Dan, “Love
For the Long Haul!”
Taylor, Robert. Christ In the Home. Baker Book House, 1973.